Every woman marries with high hopes, dreams of happily-ever-after and of course a large dose of in-love emotion. The luckiest of us glides on cloud nine for, give or take, 3-6 months before the reality of day-to-day interactions with the different individual takes it toll.
Men and women are different, very different - in fact so different that sometimes I wonder why we have to end up married to each other. If you are married and you have ever wondered why your husband is inhuman or just plain mean, then you'd know what I'm talking about. Have you thought his newspaper is more important companion at week ends when he should be spending time with me after being so busy all week? He doesn't even appreciate my presence, I might as well not be here. The way he sits flicking through T.V channels for the rest of the day he spends at home? Or I really shouldnt have married this man, he's so insensitive to my feelings! Would it make you feel better if you knew that many women have these complaints? Being female and married, I have been through these emotions and what it's like. I have beaten myself over the head, cried, stressed and worried about the fact that things are a far cry from what I'd planned my marriage to be. Fortunately, I'd never held on to the lovey-dove stereo types of romance novels lots of girls are out to covet but even with my eyes cleared of roses on my love lenses, I was still very much disillusioned about how so ordinarily a marriage of a life time could become in two months. What will happen in two years, two decades?
My search for the answer has brought to me a lot of revelations- revelations that have eased away my fretting and fussing over why my hubby does this, doesnt do that and it's like etc:
I. My husband and I beyond being different individuals, from different backgrounds are first and foremost two human beings with fundamental differences from our birth. As a guy, the way his mind works is years different from mine.
2. His priorities or the most important things to him is providing for his family, making sure they don't lack any of the basics. This preoccupies him even beyond his work hours.
3. When he picks up the dailies and doesn't hear when I almost choke on my own breath in a bout of cough, it's not because he's ignoring me, it's because as he reads, his brain is virtually shut down in all the other zones except the reading area which he is using. So if I am in danger of really choking, I hit him or throw something to catch his attention.
4. If my husband upsets me and I decided I won't speak a word to him, expecting that he'd notice and ask what's wrong and he doesn't, it hurts me like hell. To me this means he doesn't care. But most likely for him it's either he's chewing on some worry of his which he doesn't want to share or he notices but thinks she probably wants some peace and quite, that's why she's silent. I have learnt when I am upset, I don't wait to be noticed, I call attention and speak my mind.
5. We both get in late from work. I head for the kitchen and he for the T.V. Of course I get irritated, does he think Im a machine? It wont kill him to give a hand would it? My husband knows larn not a machine but his make up doesnt let him see a need to crowd me in the kitchen. Besides, . many a man has minutely useful skills in the kitchen and many that do lose all of it on their NikKah (marriage)!
6. We are seated and having the dinner, I try to make a light conversation or discuss some minor issues but he only picks one of five words. And I think even after the wahala to cook, after a hard days job without complaints, he can't dignify me with a simple conversation. My discovery - if it's just gist and he's eating, or watching T.V., driving or reading the papers, he can't and won't hear me. He's programmed to do only one thing at a time. I have used my as an index for the average. There are women out there who Allaah has blessed with husbands who can as much sense an unease in their wives while there are also sisters whose husbands always think exaggerates every little discomfort she has and so ignores her. Whichever is the kind of man we are married to, it is for us to understand him and work around his weakness.
A couple of other sore points in marriage:
1. Men not listening
2. Men being condescending
3. Men not being affectionate
4. Men not talking
5. Men leaving everything to you when its a really important issue you want to talk about, mute the T.V. go to a quiet place where there's no distraction. Let him know it's important and you want all his attention. If it's light weight then you'd have to take the chance of having to repeat yourself till you're heard. Women think men are not romantic because of our own make up. We love to be touched, seen to exist and spoken to. Men do not see the need to touch outside the bedroom and do not see communicating directly with the spouse as a stamp of recognition. So if these things are an issue to you, then let him know. Talking is not the strong point for most men especially if it's not at work or about a specific issue. When they clamp up, we worry that something is wrong and they don't deem us important enough to be confided in. This may be so in one of ten cases but the other nine, men are not great talkers like women. When we have a problem, we talk to our husbands, call up a friend, or visit a sister- just to talk about it. For us this eases the "burden" even when there are no solutions yet. Our men operate differently, in their silence, they are trying to analyze the problem discussing it in their heads. To make him open up, don't nag and fuss, give him space, keep the home peaceful and let him know you are ready to listen when he's ready to talk.
Bearing the name of a person who is not your father is a great sin. The Prophet (salallahu alayhi wa sallam) said: Anyone who relates himself to other than his true father knowing that he is not his father, al-Jannah will be prohibited for him." (Bukhari) . The child born out of wedlock is not ascribe to the father even if he is known. The Prophet (salallahu alayhi wa sallam) said: The child belongs to the owner of the mattress and the adulterer deserves a stone (i.e is a loser) (Bukhari) .This indicates that the child doesn't belong to the one that impregnate the mother.
This article was culled from the publications of Deen Communication Limited